Luang Prabang, Laos

I stayed in my Chang Mai hostel for one night - the next morning I caught a tuk-tuk into town, a bus to Chiang Rai, another bus to Chiang Khong, a tuk-tuk to the riverside (the Mekong river serving as the border between Thailand and Laos), a boat across the river to Huay Xai, and after various exchanges of paperwork and US dollars I had my Laos visa. Stayed Thursday night in a very nice little hotel for $6. My room had a fan rather than air-conditioning: I tried a little experiment, on going to bed, in that I tried just sleeping naturally without even the fan. It lasted about fifteen seconds and then the darkness and humidity combined to such an extent that I physically couldn't lie there any more. I'm not especially claustrophobic, but it felt like being under a warm, damp blanket. I turned the fan back on and that just about made it tolerable.

Yesterday I got on the slow boat to Luang Prabang. It's a two-day journey; the boat holds about fifty people and trundles along at something like 10 miles per hour. It stopped in Pakbeng last night, where I got another cheap & charming hotel ($4), and a fabulous curry ($2), and a big bottle of beer ($1). Beerlao, it's called, and it's pretty nice; which is just as well, since it's just about the only alcoholic beverage on sale in this country. Although they do sell whiskey too, or at least I hope and pray that's what the menu was referring to with its use of the words 'Big Black Johnny'. Another feverish fan-assisted sleep last night, and then the second half of the boat journey today, and here I am in Luang Prabang. Fingers crossed I can find somewhere to watch all the footy at 9pm tonight! And fingers even more tightly crossed I can find somewhere to watch Sunderland play tomorrow.

The boat journey itself was pleasant enough. The Mekong is a very muddy brown colour, with quite a strong current, some waves, and the occasional languid whirlpool. I read my various books, talked to a few people, and spent quite a while just leaning over the side of the boat and watching the jungle go by. Needless to say, I couldn't for the life of me get 'The End' by the Doors out of my head. I was on the left hand side of the boat both days and so now there is a distinct disparity of skin colour between my two arms, which looks rather silly.

Speaking of silliness, on the boat today a polite Frenchman (potential oxymoron there) asked me if my book was 'about ze magician'. The book in question was 'David Copperfield'. Well, you would assume he was joking, but he looked quite serious, so I kept a straight face and explained that the book was written in 1850. And that was the end of that conversation.

I've finally managed to take some more photos, so have a look if you're interested.

Mekong riverboat

Mekong riverboat

Pakbeng - view from breakfast table

Huay Xai village

View from Huay Xai hotel (distant mountains invisible due to poor photography skills)

Chiang Mai, Thailand

Some of you may have noticed in the news that there have been uprisings and insurrections and all manner of general manifestations of bolshie behaviour going on in Bangkok. Is another military coup in the offing? Or are the proletariat going to seize the levers of power for themselves? Observing these events with my characteristic mix of fearlessness and impetuosity, I immediately booked myself a bus ticket out of Bangkok to Chiang Mai, some 440 miles to the north.

All joking aside, I was already intending to leave Bangkok anyway. Slight change of plan though - I was going to head east and anti-clockwise, but after drunkenly consulting with a few people I have instead opted for going north and clockwise. See a map of SE Asia for clarification if required. With my recent unfortunate scam episode in mind (see a couple of entries ago) I have decided to avoid all 'package' deals and just buy single tickets and accommodation as required. That's the best way to travel: just improvising it all as you go along, armed only with hard currency and one's own initiative.*

Another overnight bus up here - about 10 hours, much shorter than the last two - and I am now safely ensconsed in the Spicy Thai hostel in Chiang Mai. Bed, breakfast and free internet for £4 a night. Mint. Overall Chiang Mai is much smaller, cheaper and generally more pleasant than Bangkok. It's still unspeakably hot though, and I can't avoid breaking sweat even before I'm dry from my (cold) shower.And the lass on reception is Yet Another Geordie. For f***'s sake! How many times? This particular Geordie does at least have the virtue of belonging to the 'hot female' subdivision of the species, but nonetheless, no amount of taxonomical pedantry can change the fact that I still haven't met a single Mackem on the road. Surely something's got to give.

One more thing - and not wanting to tempt fate or anything - but after 3 weeks in South East Asia I have still yet to experience any kind of gastric problems, or toilets without paper. My fingers are crossed (while hoping not to be called upon for anything else relating to this topic).

*(and a sheet of paper containing the words 'TAKE ME TO THE BRITISH EMBASSY AT ONCE OR GARY GLITTER GETS YOUR DAUGHTER'S MYSPACE PASSWORD' translated into every known Asiatic language)

Bangkok, Thailand (still)

Yes, I'm still here. I've got all my visas & stuff sorted out but Bangkok is kind of growing on me and I don't really have any reason to hurry away. I was thinking about heading east yesterday, but I didn't want to be stuck on a TV-free bus while the footy was on, so I stayed here to watch it. And then I thought about heading east today, but on awaking I had a monster hangover (not entirely unrelated to Spurs 1 SAFC 2) so it's been put back another day.

Actually I still have a monster hangover as I write, so I think I'm going to go back to bed right now. That's all folks!

Bangkok, Thailand (again)

Kata Beach was very nice but unfortunately I rather overdid the attempted surfing thing and so I ended up with so many bruises and aches and strains that I had to call it quits for a while. I'll try it again before too long.

On Saturday night I went back into Patong to watch the footy. Kata is nicer than Patong but I adjudged Patong to be a more lively place in which to continue my rather forlorn search for fellow Mackems, a search which still remains sadly unfulfilled even after three months on the road. Needless to say I did bump into a Geordie, a whole family of the ****s in fact. I left that bar in a hurry, and settled for watching SAFC 0 Liverpool 1 (boo hiss boo) somewhere else, with two guys from Brisbane and three lasses from Northern Ireland.

I got scammed on the way back up to Bangkok. I bought a bus ticket in Phuket town, and my journey back up started out with the same whirlwind of tuk-tuks and random vehicle changes that the journey down had ended with. There were a few things which didn't seem quite right, but I'd had the same impression on the way down and that went OK. Sadly this time my little suspicions were justified. After a carefully-executed series of transfers and ticket changes and general bewilderment, I suddenly found myself abandoned at some provincial bus station,and the ticket I needed to go on to Bangkok was no doubt even at that moment being sold to someone else. If I'd really had my wits about me then I could probably have found my way back to the last 'ticket office' and threatened to call the police etc etc. But the total cost of the fraud to me was no more than about five quid. And they did at least have the decency to abandon me at the actual bus station. So I just bought another ticket, and got to Bangkok OK in the end.

Right now - and loth as I am to abandon my blog habit of not dropping too many clues as to my next destination - my passport is in the custody of the Vietnamese Embassy while they sort out my visa. The Embassy itself is a tremendous monument to 21st-century communism: dingy as hell, and none of the pens work. But the wretched failure of their outdated economic dogmas does at least mean that things will be even cheaper for me there than they are here. In the meantime I'm back in Bangkok, still sweating like Salman Rushdie in a Saudi sauna, and flaking slightly from sunburn on my newly-exposed scalp. But the beer is cheap and the company is good. Hope you're all having as good a time there as I am here.

Kata Beach, Phuket, Thailand

After a few days in Bangkok I decided it was time to move on, so I got a bus ticket to Phuket. I had romantic imaginings of bumping around in a 30-year-old camper van with no roof or suspension, but in fact this was a quite plush air-conditioned coach with DVDs for our viewing pleasure. Or at least it was for the first 12 hours or so; after that, those of us who were Phuket-bound transferred to a people carrier thing and that took about another 6 hours. All in all it wasn't too traumatic, as there were food stops along the way, but I think I'll probably fly back.

I ended up in Patong Beach, which immediately struck me as a Thai version of Benidorm. It's a nice beach and obviously it was sunny and hot, but it was massively overcrowded and full of fat sunburned English people (like me) and not really what I'd been aiming for. I suppose I should have known that Phuket was more of a touristy than a backpackery place, but it was still a disappointment.

In fact I found myself having one of those moments of doubt - why have I travelled all this way just to sit in a pub with obnoxious fellow Brits, with noise everywhere and me sweating like a Jewish transvestite in a mosque mensroom? Why am I here? It almost made me feel like packing up and going home, until I remembered that 'why am I here?' is a question I had been asking myself everyday at work for the past umpteen years and was the reason why I came out here in the first place. Anyway, one of the great things about backpacking as opposed to package holidaying is that you can up sticks and move on any time you feel like it. So I did. I got a tuk-tuk to Kata Beach, just to the south, and lo and behold - it was like being in a different world, like going from Benidorm to Monaco.

I've spent all of today learning to surf. I got the hang of the theory pretty quickly, andI did stand up on the board on several consecutive occasions, but my instructor had been working me pretty hard and I hadn't realised just how much physical exertion is involved, especially in the arms (for paddling and for hauling oneself up into a standing position), and before the day was half over my arms were starting to wobble in the way they do when you try to do one press-up too many. But I stayed out in the water, just getting used to the board and gauging the waves and generally soaking up the sun.

So anyway, after a hard day's surfing, it's now off for a nice Thai curry (about £2) and a beer (£1) and then back to my deliciously comfy hotel room (£8). Tomorrow, hopefully I will have regained the use of my arms and will go back down to the beach for a bit more surfing. I will also take some pictures.

Football on Saturday!!!!!

Bangkok, Thailand (continued)

Bangkok is great. All the women seem to want to have sex with me! Admittedly they also seem to expect payment in return, but I find it flattering nonetheless. Obviously there is always the problem of trying to suss out exactly who's a woman and who isn't. When out walking, by day or by night, I've taken to playing a little game where I assess the probable ladyboy-likelihood of every female-looking Thai person I pass. 100%...50%...95%...0.00001% (maybe I'm paranoid but somehow I can never quite get it down to zero. I hope this neurosis doesn't follow me back to Blighty and extend to Western women).

I feel a lot more settled here now. I've sussed out the currency, who to avoid and who to ignore, how to use the Skytrain and river boats, etc etc. I've used the taxis quite a bit, and I did have one ride in a 'tuk-tuk', just for the experience. To my shame I've still yet to bother learning any of the language, but I find one never fails with the tried-and-tested method of simply using slower and louder English while gesticulating mysteriously.

I've sampled a bit of street food. It started off badly when I bought something which looked like a sausage...well, it was a sausage, but God only knows what was inside. I don't think it was pork or beef. It might have been some combination of fish and vegetables. I threw it away. But I then got a couple of kebabs, and then a rice cake, and they were OK. My digestive system is as yet untroubled. The 7/11 next to the hostel does toasted sarnies for 22 baht (34p), and bottles of water are only 7 baht (11p), which is handy cos I've gotten through dozens as you might expect.

Most of the last two evenings I've spent checking out the night markets, Suan Lum and Patpong, which creak under seemingly endless pirate DVDs and dodgy 'massage' parlours but are nonetheless extremely safe and friendly places. After Suan Lum, I walked round the corner to check out the kick boxing stadium, but the 'tourist' price was something like 1500 baht (23 quid). I have no interest in paying over the odds to sit in a crowd and watch untalented sportsmen slug it out. I get enough of that at home, after all.

Incidentally, for those who don't already know, your correspondent has now gone from 'going bald' to '100% bald'. Yes, I got myself skinned in Melbourne. But the public announcement had to wait until I had acquired post facto parental approval for this decision, and I delayed the seeking of said parental approval so as not to risk spoiling a parental birthday! All is well now though.

Bangkok, Thailand

This is where it starts to get interesting!

On my flight from Melbourne to Bangkok, about 9 and a half hours, the guy next to me had excessively loud music on his headphones throughout the whole of the flight, and not only that but he also felt compelled to hum along, loudly and in falsetto, to every single song. Grrr. I hate people. In my own inimitable fashion, I had completely failed to make any kind of real preparation for Thailand, other than having the address of my hostel scrawled on the back of a business card. Fortunately my taxi driver a) knew how to find the address, b) spoke decent English, and c) was more or less legit.

I got to the hostel just after most of the guests had gone out for the night, which was a pity, but then I wasn't feeling too energetic after my long flight. So I just settled for going into the 7/11 next door and having the inevitable ten minutes of marvelling at how cheap everything was. When the partygoers came back, I learned that they'd been viewing a spectacle which in the interests of taste & discretion I will refer to, synonymically, as 'feline table tennis'. Ahem.

Yesterday morning I got up and went off on my usual big long city-exploring walk. The weather was totally overcast, stiflingly hot and extremely humid. (I have taken scissors to my jeans and casual trousers, they're cut-offs now, although my tracky bottoms remain intact). Everywhere I went, I was besieged by young guys trying to sell me rides in tuk-tuks (motorised rickshaws), or pirate DVDs, or women, or whatever else. Notwithstanding the lack of preparation mentioned above, I am streetwise enough to know that the best response is just a smile and 'no thank you'. Also whenever they ask 'first time Thailand?' I reply 'no, here many times' and they visibly lose interest right away.

It was quite interesting just to wander round the streets and marvel at how crowded and ramshackle everything is. I thought crossing the street in New York was hazardous but this is just a whole new level altogether. I've been reading a lot of Dickens recently and it's hard not to draw parallels between 19th-century London and places like Bangkok today - the dirt, the seediness, the poverty, but also the humanity and vibrancy that comes with it. So on the one hand you have malnourished beggars, pimps and prostitutes, but then you also have my taxi driver from the airport who told me about how he works extra long days because his wife is too ill to work and he is paying his daughter's university fees, for which he gets no government help. Give the Thais 150 years, perhaps less, and no doubt they'll end up with a coddled & sterile welfare state like ours.

Came back to the hostel, had a shower and spent the afternoon relaxing under the aircon. Later on we all watched the Olympic ceremony and then went out on the lash. (Most of the people in the hostel are Canadians or Americans; the rest are mainly Brits and Aussies, with a few miscellaneous Europeans making up the balance). We went to a couple of strip bars, which as you might expect were full of leering old Western men and tiny little miserable-looking Thai girls. Not really my idea of fun. Fortunately we soon pitched up at a regular nightclub and there we stayed until it was hometime.

I don't think I'll stay in Bangkok too long. I'm going to check out the bus schedules and see what's available.

Melbourne, Australia (continued)

Written at 1.47am Melbourne time. Sarah & Sean have gone to bed - they were at work today and they'll be at work again tomorrow. I personally haven't done any kind of work in over three months, and I'm not tired; so I have decided to occupy my insomnia by writing another blog entry, quietly, on the laptop.

Monday was my birthday, and Sarah & I toured the delights of Melbourne to commemorate it. We went up to the Skydeck in the Eureka tower, 88 floors high, and then visited the MCG. If you've never heard of the MCG then never mind, but any cricket buffs amongst my readers will no doubt nod approvingly. The sports museum in the stadium ground was very impressive. On Monday night me and my three Melbourne buddies went out for a curry to celebrate my being even more old & decrepit than previously. 32 to be precise. It was my first curry since I've been travelling, and frankly it's been far too long. But this particular curry was worth the wait. The restaurant was called Gaylord for some reason. Good recommendation from John there. And the same goes for the bars we visited afterwards. I can easily see how Melbourne is an attractive destination for those who are contemplating life away from the shores of Blighty...but I'm not.

Tuesday and Wednesday I did more general relaxing and wandering, eating and drinking, etc etc. On Tuesday night I had another bout of tennis with Sean: after being heroically but tragically defeated 6-1 6-2 last time, I revised my tactics and redoubled my efforts, and was duly rewarded by only getting beat 6-1 6-3 this time. That put Sean in his place good & proper.

Otherwise, I can't say I've done anything too constructive or energetic or adventurous. Hey, I'm on holiday. But the hour is soon to come when such complacency will be behind me...as will the English-speaking world as a whole.

Melbourne, Australia

The slightly misanthropic tone of my last blog entry is now replaced by a warm & fuzzy feeling of goodwill towards all of humanity. I am now in Melbourne and have been touring the delights of this most beautiful city with my good old friends (and emigrants to Australia) Sarah, Sean & John. I'm sleeping on Sarah & Sean's very nice L-shaped sofa, which is a very positive change from hostel dorms, and indeed on Friday I had my first bath in literally about four months. (Don't get me wrong, I've been having showers in the meantime).

Got a plane from Sydney to Melbourne on Thursday, and then a shuttle bus into central Melbourne. Sarah met me at Southern Cross station and I dropped my bags off at their place and then we went back into town and she went back to work and I had a wander around town. On Friday night we went out for a few jars in Prahran. It turned into quite a late night so Saturday took a while to start, but when it finally did me & Sean toddled off out into the city and met John for a few beers. (Sarah was comatose in bed and didn't get up until 5pm). The first bar we went to, we'd barely sat down before we were joined by one then two and then three local weirdos, all regaling us with their life stories and generally annoying us. I guess that's why John never drinks there! Live and learn. We moved on and wound up in a beer garden on Fitzroy Street, where the three of us spent all afternoon sharing jugs of beer and big piles of crisps and generally relaxing.

When Sarah eventually levered her lazy ass out of bed (hi Sarah!) we went back into town and tried to find a decent curry house but it was in vain, so we settled for an Italian instead and then came back here to watch 'Death Proof', Quentin Tarantino's most recent movie, and frankly it was complete and utter toss. However that in no way detracted from the quality of the day as a whole.

Today (Sunday) was another late start. Me and Sean went out to play tennis, and he caned me 6-1 6-2, and then we went out to watch some Aussie Rules Football, St Kilda vs Port Adelaide at the Telstra dome. The attendance was 22,878 and the score was 101-93. Before the game, I was already mentally preparing a blog entry which fulminated and polemicised about how Aussie Rules was the naffest sport I'd ever seen, worse even than baseball (see previous entry from Chicago), but in the end I must admit that it was watchable enough. I wouldn't go as far as John and get a season ticket, but I did enjoy myself.

As I write, Sarah is doing a fine job of cooking chilli & rice, and then we're going to watch a DVD, and generally enjoy lots of home comforts, of which I have been cruelly deprived over the past couple of months. I must take this opportunity to broadcast to the world, or at least the 0.000000001% of it which reads my blog, how appreciative I am to Sarah and Sean for their kind hospitality. Muchos obligados compadres, etc.

I'm 32 tomorrow you know!