I tried baseball in 2008 and hated it with a passion, but I have since remained open-minded about American football, and I've always wanted to give it a try. Today I did so, at a cost of about $90, and it took me less than half an hour to ascertain beyond all doubt that I hate American football even more than I hate baseball.
Good God, it's awful. The matches last over three hours, and they only contain 60 minutes of sport; but even that doesn't tell the whole story, because the clock ticks between plays. The average amount of actual play in an NFL match is literally just eleven minutes. People run into each other, then other people run into other people, and an egg is briefly chased before being dropped and then all the people who were previously running into each other stop running into each other, and jump on top of each other instead. Then a man in a stripey top blows a whistle and everyone goes woop woop. There is plenty of whooping and hollering, but no singing, other than yodels of 'Rai-ders! Rai-ders!' and - in a rare moment of lyrical inspiration - 'F*** the Broncos!' I turned up twenty minutes early but I still missed the start of the match, because I had to queue for airport-style security and turn out the entire contents of my pockets - along with 56,000 other people, most of whom were morons and/or obese. (When the camera went round the ground for fans to get their moment on the big screen, one woman waved a big fat arm with bingo wings so pronounced that they were still wobbling long after she stopped waving.)
The only reason I stayed as long as I did (one hour out of the three) was that I kept thinking miserably to myself: "Well, I've got nothing better to do". But then I remembered that I had plenty of California left to explore, and a V8 convertible to do it in...That's when I cheered up. And left.
The one positive from today's game was that it involved Peyton Manning, who is in some corners regarded as the best quarterback in NFL history. He's a bit past his prime now, but the important thing is that in decades to come I can impress younger Americans by telling them I saw him play.
Anyway, this is just a brief sporting interlude. My next blog will be a lot cheerier. In the meantime I remain open-minded about basketball and ice hockey; but I think they can wait a few years yet.
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| Between plays, the teams mill around aimlessly on the pitch. This is of course totally different to what happens during the plays. |
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| Another angle. (This time during a play. I think.) |
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| Eleven dollars for a Bud Light. OMMFG. Never, in the field of human drinking, was so much paid, by so many, for such piss. |
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| Cameras going round the crowd for random fans to wave at... I don't think this one was random. James Hetfield out of Metallica. \m/ |
